2003-07-25
ARRRGH. I am super fucking pissed.Nothing like a flat tire during morning rush to start your day. Especially if that flat tire flattens in South Central. It’s even better if you break off two rusted lug nuts in the process. During the tire-changing process. And I left my cell phone with work’s number on it at home. That was hot. Cum in your eye hot.
This was yesterday, by the way.
I’m towed into Pep Boys on Crenshaw Blvd at 9:05 AM. On the way into the store I looked at my reflection in the store window. This would be the last white person I would see for the next 8 hours. Being an Irish/German dude from the Midwest, I’m not at all used to being the minority.
I come in with two busted lug nuts and a flat tire.
ANDY: Can you fix these problems?
ISREAL, THE FRIENDLY HEAD PEP BOY:
[SIDENOTE: JUST NOW, just as I wrote this, I just answered a phone call. Who was on the other end? JERRY ZUCKER!! (‘Who?’ ‘The director of “AIRPLANE!,” tard!”) Eeeeee! It took every ounce of self control to not turn on the speakerphone, jump on my desk, whip out my dick and scream, ‘Thanks for the funniest fucking movie ever made, Jerry! Woooooo!’ Whew. Where was I?]
ISREAL, THE FRIENDLY HEAD PEP BOY: Sure, we can fix this! But the guy who does it comes in at 11!
ANDY: ….Okay.
(12:00 PM)
A: Is my car done yet?
I: You have horrible break pads! Like metal on metal!
A: Fine then.
(2:00 PM)
A: How’s my car?
I: The break pads are on, but we cannot even get your rusty-ass wheel off to fix your lug nuts!
A: …I see.
I: We can spray some penetrating shit on it to see if we can get it off!
A: Do as you must.
I: The penetrating shit will take an hour to sink in!
A: Great.
I: Also, we noticed you need oil change!
A: I’m numb now. Do your worst.
(3:30 PM)
I: We got the wheel off!
A: Fabulous.
I: Do you know what ball joint is?!
A: Free me. Free me.
I: Never!
(5:00 PM)
A: You’re done?
I: Yes! Now give us all the money that you were saving for next weekend to show your girlfriend a good time!
A: Must I?
I: We have your keys!
A: I hate you.
I left $220 in the red and STILL needing work done. HOWEVER: A strange and wonderful thing happened that afternoon. I was sitting in the waiting area flipping through a copy of GQ when an elderly black lady sits down across from me and starts doing a crossword puzzle. After a few minutes she looks up at me and says:
‘Excuse me, but have you seen “The Fast and The Furious 2?”’
I say no. Why do you ask?
‘Oh, I’m just wondering what young people think of it. I’M JOHN SINGLETON’S GRANDMOTHER.’
!!!
(‘Who? John Singleton?’ ‘The Academy Award-winning director of “Boyz ‘N The Hood” and “Baby Boy” and “The Fast and the Furious 2,” tard!’)
No fucking way. Then out come the photos. Baby John Singleton. Graduating from USC John Singleton. A Polaroid of John Singleton holding an Oscar. And we chatted it up for about two hours. Nice fucking lady.
My first day in South Central and I meet the grandmother of the patron saint of the projects. Weird.
-Andy