2004-06-25
THINGS THAT MY MOTHER IS FEARFULLY YELLING AT THE TV WHILE WATCHING "SALEM'S LOT" AS I SIT HERE TRYING TO MIND MY OWN BUSINESS:"Good God!"
"Don't go down there..."
"Out! The hell get out!"
"Get him! Oh, that's gross!"
"Hurry! HURRY!"
"HOOOOO-ly SHIT!"
"God, Howard Stern, what a pervert!" (As I was typing this sentence, I realized that she had obviously changed the channel during a commercial. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was ethically obligated to know if she had or not. So I asked. And she had, but I still like to think that she hadn't.)
"Ohhhhh, you're gonna die!"
"I see bad people... they're coming from everywhere..."
"God Gosharoo!"
"It's Rob Lowe, c'mon!"
"Whoa, Mama!"
"Whoa, Nelly!"
Then an exchange, which I thoughtfully transcribed:
MOM: "Andy, guess what just happened?"
ME: "What?"
MOM: "There was a buzzsaw going and they rigged the stairs, and one of the guys fell right on top. Buzzed his chest right open."
ME: "Whoa."
MOM: "It was gross, but ingenious. Not every vampire has a buzzsaw for himself."
And finally:
"The big kahuna!"
Your guess is as good as mine on that last one. I just felt the inert need to make a record of these exclamations, partly because they genuinely amuse me, and partly because I'd like to lock my mother in the basement until she's quiet.
AND PER MY LAST POST: Nice to see that you're all politically tuned in. And I mean that sincerely. I think that the world's a lot less scary when everybody knows and has an opinion about what's going on, and their concerns lie beyond how the remote somehow got stuck between the cushions of the sofa, or whether or not to microwave the morning-after pizza. I hope you enjoy the notes I've left you all, too.
But no apologies for what I said. Nuh uh. Fuck him.
-Andy