2004-11-01
I'm rich, bi-yatch.I came home from Kansas City to a check from the Rockwood School District. $803! There are few things that would make me joyfully spasm around my living room in my boxers while my roommates look on. Bush winning the election tomorrow would be one. Gwen Stefani, Michael Moore, and Kim Jong Il all getting hit by a train at the same time would be another. Apparently, getting an enormous paycheck from one's employer may be added to that already illustrious list.
With my bank account bulging, I hit Shop 'N Save, or as I will refer to it while I am financially viable, Big Fucking Spendersville. Oh, the reckless abandon. Sure, I have a half of a loaf of bread left, but it's never too soon to buy another! I'm rich! I love Campbell's tomato and chicken noodle soups, but why not pick up a pricier cream of asparagus or a "fiesta ranchero?" Hell, I'm rich! Plain old regular Oreos? Bah! This time we're goin' DOUBLE STUF! Fuck me in the ear, I'm rich!!
I also felt the need to pick up a bottle of Grey Goose for tomorrow night's election party. I bought it for one of two reasons: 1. To celebrate the glorious reelection of the President, who triumphed over the lunk-headed single issue voters, the Michael Moore nuts, the media, and the attempted influence of the international community. 2. To toast four years of a monumental presidency, and morosely cower into a corner muttering, "Well. I hope you're all happy with yourselves." Let's hope for the first one.
The other attraction at the election night party will be a new addition to the 7450A Grant Village Drive family. Today, in the midst of a downpour, Char rear-ended somebody in downtown Clayton. Nobody was hurt, but by the looks of things, Char's already shitty car has ascended to the next level of shittiness. We'll call it dire. So after I came home to let her in, I called into work, she gathered up her credit card, and we went and bought a bunny.
The bunny is a month old female Norwegian Dwarf rabbit named Frankcusumano. While unpronouncable at first glance, the name is merely a fusing of the surname and Christian name of KSDK Channel 5 sportscaster Frank Cusumano, shown here. Char named the bunny such because at first glance, Frank Cusumano looks like the kind of guy that would offer to buy a 19 year old girl a Long Island or four at a nightclub, but on closer inspection is a stalwart sports journalist, a moderately handsome man, and I wouldn't put it past him to be able to tear a phone book in half after doing a whole lot of blow. Guys like this deserve no higher an honor than a little bunny named after them.
So come to the pad tomorrow night for bunnies, booze, and... a political term that starts with a 'B' to complete my witty alliterative trio. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) perhaps? Billy Beer?
And vote, I guess. I say that with reservations. Normally, I would say just get out there! Get out there and vote! Participate in your democracy! Normally I would say that, but there are too many single-issue voters, uneducated straight party zealots, and all around stupid people out there for this close an election. So Andy says stay home! Stay home and don't screw this one up!
God Bless America!
EDIT, 7:26 PM, TWO HOURS AFTER POSTING: I'm an idiot. What do I buy for my election night party? Grey Goose. FRENCH vodka. Brent pointed this out to me in Advertising Production tonight, and my first thought was, "Holy shit, Bill O'Reilly would KILL me." Before you call me a partisan fuck, like I know many of you are doing, let me just point out that tomorrow I will vote to re-elect George W. Bush for President, but I will also vote for Barack Obama for Illinois Rep in US Senate. For those of you that don't know, Obama gave the keynote address at the Democratic National Convention. Why do I do this? For the same reason that most of America is voting for Kerry: I hate the other guy. Alan Keyes, the Republican contender for the senate seat, is the worst candidate for political office in America. He called Mary Cheney, Dick's lesbian daughter, a "hedonist," said that Jesus wouldn't vote for Obama, and has made "pro-life" the centerpiece of his campaign - an issue that America has had its collective minds made up on for YEARS. He represents the fiery, archiac worst that conservative politics has to offer, he's an embarrassment to our party, and even though Obama leads him by an unbeatable margin, I still want his loss to be as crushing as possible.My vote for the democartic candidate will send a message to the Illinois GOP: "No more stupid fucking candidates like Alan Fucking Keyes! I understand that Ghandi himself could have risen from the dead and ran against Obama and Obama would have still beaten him by a double-digit margin, but the world doesn't end when Mike Ditka decides not to run! Do better next time, I say! Better!"
Thing is, I've always said that it is never preferable to look at one's vote as "firing" an incumbent rather than "hiring" a challenger, as John Kerry has consistently done in his campaign, but now I think I can better appreciate why some of you democrats are voting the way you are. I never thought I'd say this the night before a Presidential election but... thank you, Alan Keyes... wherever you are...
-Andy