2004-11-04
Dear EDUCATED Kerry voters,The issues are debatable, and your margin of loss was slim. See where Obama and ::shudder:: Hilary Clinton go in the next few years. Maybe one day I'll regret voting for Obama. We'll see. Anyway, tough break. Sincerely.
Love, Andy
Dear Rob Edgecomb,
Now, there are certain people that I will gloat about the general election results to, and there are certain people that I won't. Unfortunately buddy, you fall under the former. A great big ha-ha to you for calling yourself a Democrat – a person that allegedly values diversity and tolerance – despite the fact that you stole my Bush-Cheney '04 placard out of my window. Twice. Freedom of speech for all! All, that is, who are not Republicans! Every time that I would drive past your house, I would consider swiping your Kerry-Edwards sign out of your yard, but I ultimately refused to lower myself to your level. In the end, with my placard missing once again, I think you should hang onto it. Think of it as a souvenier and a memento of the shit that you and every person of diversity and tolerance who stole yard signs, defaced property and keyed a car for displaying a conservative bumper sticker will have to eat with a great big golden spoon for the next four years. Ha. Fucking. Ha.
Love, Andy
Dear Michael Moore,
Congratulations! Every single candidate that you’ve ever officially endorsed for political office has lost, and John Kerry was no exception! That's quite a track record to maintain! Keep it up, champ!
Love, Andy
Dear MoveOn.org,
Awww, the little PAC that could. Some final answers to your most pressing issues: Kerry voted for it too. If we wanted it, we would've taken it when we liberated Kuwait in '91. The link is a guy named Zarqawi; he's in Fallujah, go get him. MoveOn.now.
Love, Andy
Dear Carolyn,
Thank you for stringing every conservative stereotype in the universe into one easy-to-read hypenated word. I'm sure you didn't leave one out because you read the New York Times. (Every day.) Have fun in Canada. Incidentally, "outsurgence" is not a real word.
Love, Andy
Dear Vote For Change touring artists,
Tough break. Thank you, though, for the exceptional concert bills. Although, Bright Eyes and Springsteen on the same ticket is a match made in pop culture hell, as one concertgoer so eloquently observed at a Cincinnatti VFC show: "If I knew I had to listen to Bright Eyes, I would've voted for Bush!" Next time, find a less divisive/irritating cause to rawk out for. May I suggest a reform of the election system? How about supporting your local Humane Society? NAMBLA?
Love, Andy
Dear Alan Colmes,
Be prepared for a few rough days at the office.
Love, Andy
Dear Ashton Kutcher,
Thank you for stumping for Kerry. Funniest bits of campaign sound bite hilarity since Ted Kennedy singing in drunken Spanish after the Democratic convention. If anybody out there voted for Kerry just because Ashton Kutcher (And Brad Pitt, Helen Hunt, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, etc.) told you to, well, here's a prayer for common sense coming your way.
Love, Andy
Dear Sean Hannity,
Okay great, we did it, but don't be TOO much of an asshole about it. Thank you though, for supplying me with my favorite weapon of my arsenal against ignorant Kerry voters: THE BIG QUESTION. "If you're voting for him, name me one piece of legislation that he authored during his 20 year senate career that you agree with." Though it came back to bite me in the ass on more than a few occasions, 99% of the time, the answer to that question would arrive in the form of a blank stare, a stutter, or a completely unrelated attack on Bush. Thanks, Sean. The asshole in me will miss it.
Dear President Bush,
Thank you for your integrity, moral clarity, and common sense approach to politics. Good luck putting out the fire of the 49% of the country that's a little hacked off at the moment. Congratulations on your mandate. Use it wisely. Thank you for being unafraid, like Reagan, to sensibly echo the attitudes of the American people by carefully integrating faith with politics. Subpoint, thanks for sticking it to the ACLU's efforts to secularize America. Speaking of Reagan, good luck at coming close to his final approval rating. If you play your cards right in the next four years, they'll be naming big damn buildings after you, too. Also, my best to your scary wife, and Karl.
Love, your pal, Andy
And finally,
Dear Jacques Chirac,
That half a bottle of Grey Goose that I consumed on election night tasted extra smooth for some reason.
LOVE.
-Andy