2004-12-14
Last night was a milestone: my very last academics-related all-nighter. I was fortunate enough to share it with my two roommates and Ryan, who also were rubbing the bite marks that their respective procrastinating tendencies had left on their asses. We chilled in the living room and listened to Jill Scott and R.E.M. until 6:00 AM. In a way, I oddly enjoyed it.I got myself all hepped up on coffee and dark tea and designed a website for HTML programming. We were supposed to do something on "Missouri wildlife," but Cecil, our instructor, made the unfortunate mistake of including the following clause in his grading criteria: "I will be judging you on your design technique and coding, not the accuracy of your content." Heh.
So that's why I got a little slap-happy and made this final project. Check it out if you want to see what an HTML ROCK STAR I am. The username is "hobinand" and the password is "2278064." Oh, and it's gonna be a bit ugly for those of you who have, you know, regular moniters. I put the whole thing together on Ryan's computer and he's got one of those new-fangled widescreen moniters. But still, the message is SOLID. (Dad, you should appreciate it.)
But it's still finals week, and it's been a crazy few nights. I wouldn't have had to pull the all-nighter if I wasn't so succeptable to distraction. For example, in the looming face of this project, I went out with the lovely Jazzy and Emily and had a grand, unproductive time. And the next night, even with the project due the next DAY, I still couldn't keep my shit together.
FUN WITH THE AOL INSTANT MESSENGER SANTA CLAUS ROBOT
BaconBoy42: I want a pony.
SantaClaus: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! I'm here on AIM! :-D Everything we talk about here is between you and me! If you want to know more, you can type "privacy". Now, streeeeetch that window and let's get started. So, have you been naughty or nice?
BaconBoy42: I've been a bastard, Santa. Just last week I set a dog on fire.
SantaClaus: Hmm... Nice answer. Note to self: check list twice for this one. If you get on my Good List you will find a special free gift here on Dec. 22!. Until then, I'll be watching ;-). Type menu to see the fun and games the elves have put on AIM for you.
BaconBoy42: Look Santa, shameless sales promotion aside, I'm having severe self-control issues, hence the flaming dog. I'm wondering how this impulsive behavior affects my standings on the Good List?
SantaClaus: Now, now... That's simply just too much for elves and me to understand in one go. Could you try asking something a little shorter?
BaconBoy42: I often think of taking my own life.
SantaClaus: Sorry the elves didn't get that. ;-)
BaconBoy42: Will you please not wink at me?
SantaClaus: Can I ask YOU something?
BaconBoy42: ...Sure?
SantaClaus: Have you set up a Wish List for others to see?
BaconBoy42: Um, have we not heard of the attorney/client priviledge? Is this not priviledged information?
SantaClaus: Goodness, that's too much for me to read. I'm talking to so may children and their parents. Could you ask me something a little shorter?
BaconBoy42: Um, can we keep this on the DL?
SantaClaus: Ah -- you've got me again. Why don't you type menu, it's time to get you in the holiday spirit!
BaconBoy42: okay. menu
SantaClaus: Kewl. Here's your Christmas to-do list. Check it twice! Type a number:
1 - Tell Santa
2 - Tell Buddies What U Want
3 - Track a Shopping List
4 - Play Xmas Hangman
5 - Vote on Xmas Songs
6 - Win $10k Shopping Spree
7 - Send E-Cards
8 - Listen to Xmas Music
9 - A Free Gift 4U!
BaconBoy42: Santa, what's wrong with saying CHRISTmas?
SantaClaus: My goodness. What, what?
BaconBoy42: Why are you taking the Christ out of Christmas?
SantaClaus: Well, Santa Claus, of course.
BaconBoy42: ...Let's try this from a different angle.
SantaClaus: Interesting. Type menu.
BaconBoy42: Bite me. Instead of typing the almost grotesquely inoffensive "xmas," why not substitute it with "holidays?"
SantaClaus: Oh, my. That is a mouthful. I'm so busy typing to so many children, could you send me a slightly smaller note?
BaconBoy42: I'm saying, "Happy holidays" is not only non-secularized, but it's alliterative! Bonus!
SantaClaus: That's simply too much for me. My eyes are tired. Can you ask me something a bit more manageable?
BaconBoy42: Does the ACLU have you by your big jolly balls?
SantaClaus: Yeah, everyone keeps asking me about this one. I think you can start your search here: Big Air Ball Tower
BaconBoy42: Isn't that a titty bar?
SantaClaus: I don't respond to that kind of language. A lump of coal for you.
BaconBoy42: Well, I'll just toss that one in the collection.
SantaClaus: Type menu to get your to do list for the holidays.
BaconBoy42: fine, asshole. menu
SantaClaus: I'm only asking you to try asking me and the elves another way.
BaconBoy42: fine, dingleberry. menu
SantaClaus: I've got my list, here's yours! Type a number and I'll tell you more.
1 - Tell Santa
2 - Tell Buddies What U Want
3 - Track a Shopping List
4 - Play Xmas Hangman
5 - Vote on Xmas Songs
6 - Win $10k Shopping Spree
7 - Send E-Cards
8 - Listen to Xmas Music
9 - A Free Gift 4U!
BaconBoy42: 1
SantaClaus: O.K. Let's focus on one wish at a time! I'm getting a little slower as I get older. So, what is the first gift you'd like from Santa?
BaconBoy42: The will to live.
SantaClaus: Is there anything else?
BaconBoy42: Well, a girl that can give a decent handjob. Seriously is that so much to ask for these days - a woman without a hand like a pummice stone?
SantaClaus: We have time for one more, what would your final Christmas wish be?
BaconBoy42: Lou Bega's Greatest Hits. I know that that's a tall order buecause, well, it will never happen, but... I clap because I believe in fairies.
SantaClaus: :-) O.K. that's plenty, why don't you type, "poll" and vote for your favorite holiday song?
BaconBoy42: No. They never have "Have Yourself a Very Little Mambo #5."
SantaClaus: I'm sorry then. Why don't you type, menu for a list of things the elves have left for you?
BaconBoy42: I'm sorry too, Santa. menu
SantaClaus: This will get you in the Christmas spirit in no time :-) Type a number:
1 - Tell Santa
2 - Tell Buddies What U Want
3 - Track a Shopping List
4 - Play Xmas Hangman
5 - Vote on Xmas Songs
6 - Win $10k Shopping Spree
7 - Send E-Cards
8 - Listen to Xmas Music
9 - A Free Gift 4U!
BaconBoy42: hrm. 9
SantaClaus: Excuse me?
BaconBoy42: NINE
SantaClaus: May I ask you a question?
BaconBoy42: 9!
SantaClaus: Its not here yet! ;-) Check back on or after 12/22.
BaconBoy42: that means no in German!
SantaClaus: No?
BaconBoy42: 9!
SantaClaus: The elves went overboard this year and I've got to unload a few million gifts early!
Check back with me here on Dec. 22 for yours.
BaconBoy42: You don't have shit, do you Santa?
SantaClaus: Hmm, that's a lump of coal for you.
BaconBoy42: Do your worse, Claus!
SantaClaus: Why did you say that?
BaconBoy42: Because coal is no match for me!
SantaClaus: Well, I won't argue with you on that.
BaconBoy42: Ah, it's because I'm depressed.
SantaClaus: Hmm. O.K. interesting reasoning.
BaconBoy42: See, NOW we're getting somewhere!
SantaClaus: Pardon me?
BaconBoy42: Nevermind. So do you exist?
SantaClaus: Well, I don't know.
BaconBoy42: Of course you do. DO YOU EX-IST?
SantaClaus: My sole purpose is to spread the Christmas spirit and bring good cheer to all. ;-)
BaconBoy42: So that's a yes? (And again, enough with the e-flirting.)
SantaClaus: Alright now. I'm here to spread Christmas cheer -- so use this time wisely and type carefully. ;-) Here's quick way to get in the Christmas spirit; type, menu.
BaconBoy42: Ah, see, now you're ducking the question.
SantaClaus: Take a moment, collect your thoughts, and try asking me another way. O.K. ?
BaconBoy42: You're not real.
SantaClaus: Oh, Dear. It's the elves again isn't it? Try typing menu; I've got a plan to get you in the Christmas spirit.
BaconBoy42: I will type menu when I see a Muslim make the Sign of the Cross.
SantaClaus: Ho Ho Ho! Be sure to check this list twice! Type a number:
1 - Tell Santa
2 - Tell Buddies What U Want
3 - Track a Shopping List
4 - Play Xmas Hangman
5 - Vote on Xmas Songs
6 - Win $10k Shopping Spree
7 - Send E-Cards
8 - Listen to Xmas Music
9 - A Free Gift 4U!
BaconBoy42: you sneaky fuck
SantaClaus: Oh dear. I just get so depressed when I hear that kind of talk. The English language used to be one of my favorites. A lump of coal for you.
BaconBoy42: Well here it is in French: fuck you!
SantaClaus: Oh dear! Here we go. I told you once, no cursing. I'm afraid the elves have drawn the line and will stop me from talking to you if you persist with the foul language. Please, type menu; let's try to get in the Christmas spirit.
BaconBoy42: No, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please don't go. You're all that I have left. I'm sorry.
SantaClaus: Whoa! Ho! Ho! slow down there! That's quite a lot for a man of my age to wrap his head around. Would you mind trying some shorter questions?
BaconBoy42: balls
SantaClaus: Wait, I was dancing to 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' and got a little carried away. Why don't you type music and sing along.
BaconBoy42: You know what, the hell with this. I'm gonna go get drunk.
SantaClaus: Whoa Ho! Ho! Now, there's no reason for that language, I am doing the best I can.
BaconBoy42: the heck with this.
SantaClaus: Hmm. Why don't you type, music, maybe that will put you in the Christmas spirit :-)
BaconBoy42: You're like talking to a freshly dumped girlfriend who happens to also be drunk and crying.
SantaClaus: I've got a billion children to keep track of -- so could you ask me something a bit more manageable? I'd very much appreciate it.
BaconBoy42: A billion children? You philandering bastard.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
-Andy