2005-02-04
Holy crap, so I'm sitting here yesterday minding my own bid'ness when this kid IM's me. And not "kid," the affectionate blanket nickname that you give to your nameless, faceless cool person, but an honest to goodness 6th grader.This 6th grader has IMed me before, confusing me with (presumably) another 6th grader.
matt luvs66: who is this
BaconBoy42: andy
matt luvs66: andy who
BaconBoy42: hobin
matt luvs66: where do u go to school
BaconBoy42: webster
matt luvs66: where's that
BaconBoy42: st louis
matt luvs66: then y do i have ur sn
BaconBoy42: dunno
matt luvs66: what grade r u
matt luvs66: ?
matt luvs66: ?
matt luvs66: ?
BaconBoy42: senior
matt luvs66: high school
BaconBoy42: college. you've imed me before and we had this same conversation.
matt luvs66: really
matt luvs66: weird
BaconBoy42: yep
It's true, this is the second time that this exchange has tread its tired course. Matt here has me confused with one Evan Kelley. I've never heard of this "Evan." Now, normally at this juncture, I would've told little Matt to fuck the fuck off, but now fully realizing that I was having a conversation with a real live stupid goddamn kid, I decided to try to help the little gumshoe solve his mystery.
matt luvs66: are u serious cuz one of my friends had this sn
BaconBoy42: yep. who's your friend?
matt luvs66: evan kelley
BaconBoy42: nope
matt luvs66: ok.......
matt luvs66: lair
matt luvs66: liar
BaconBoy42: it's true.
And then, apparently enfuriated that my name's not Evan Kelley, he starts berating the shit out of me in lightning-fast "pubert-eze." Then the fun really starts. Notice how the more I keep my cool, the madder he gets.
matt luvs66: ur evan kelley
BaconBoy42: negative.
matt luvs66: annoin little talkin monkey
BaconBoy42: again, sorry to disappoint, but I've never heard of the guy.
matt luvs66: oh ok right
matt luvs66: right
matt luvs66: r u a psycho
matt luvs66: no really
matt luvs66: u sound to preppy
matt luvs66: r u gay or summat
BaconBoy42: not gay, and don't know what "summat" means.
matt luvs66: sumthing***
matt luvs66: whats ur real mane
matt luvs66: name***
BaconBoy42: andy hobin
matt luvs66: right
matt luvs66: nooooooooooo
matt luvs66: u r such a liar
His appetite for e-blood yet to be satiated, he actually sics his little friends on me! Within a minute of each other, "RuBaChIkIn1," "Greendayrocka123," and "SnowAngel02675" IM me and demand identification. The first two let it go immediately after I identify myself as Andy Hobin, but snowangel sticks around long enough to ask me what grade I'm in. When I respond with "senior in college," she (at least I assume it's a 'she.' Would any self-respecting 12 year old boy have a screen name like that?) says, "cool I'm in 6th grade!" And signs off. Sigh. Meanwhile, Matt decides to whip out… the big guns.
matt luvs66: hows ur boi friend
BaconBoy42: not gay, thanks.
matt luvs66: right
matt luvs66: who do u like
matt luvs66: other than bois
BaconBoy42: …women?
matt luvs66: yeah
matt luvs66: if u kno any
BaconBoy42: Um, probably none that you know.
BaconBoy42: Because I'm in college and you're in 6th grade
matt luvs66: ok...\
matt luvs66: so u r evan
BaconBoy42: nope. snowangelperson said she was in 6th grade, so I made an educated guess.
matt luvs66: oh ok
matt luvs66: right
As much fun as this all was, I had to run. So I decided that it was high time I took the offense.
BaconBoy42: I'd love to help you solve this mystery there, junior, but unfortunately I can't
matt luvs66: ok then "senior"
matt luvs66: GAY "senior"
BaconBoy42: This is all very amusing, but don't you have better things to do? Like sit around waiting for your balls to drop?
matt luvs66: what balls
matt luvs66 signed off at 6:09:47 PM.
And that was that. Come to think of it, the "what balls" comment now leads me to believe that I'd been talking to a girl the entire time. Come to think of it, if I was talking to a girl, that makes all the infantile berating ten times funnier.
You know what everybody that reads this should do? Strike up an IM conversation with ol' "Matt" and claim to be Evan Kelley. Ask him how his mom is. Complain about Thursday's math test. Discuss just how hot that Raven Simone is. Compare and contrast Squidward and Mr. Crabs. Ask him what second base feels like. Just see how long you can make him go till he blows his stack. And even though you're likely talking to a girl, use masculine pronouns. We need unity here, people, unity!
BETTER YET, get like, three of four of your friends to do it AT THE SAME TIME. Can you say MIND FUCK?!?!?!?!
And if you need help being a believable prepubescent, here's a handy little tool to smooth out your rough edges. Mad props to the Marquette folks Kevin for bringing this holy grail to my altar. Have fun! Or, HAEV FUN!1!!1!!1 LOL
-Andy