2005-02-14
A VALENTINE'S DAY ANECDOTE:My freshman year of college, long before I started this diary even, I was in a Dramatic Interp round at a tournament in Kansas. For those unfortunate enough not to know, DI is basically competitive acting. Stand up in front of an audience and judge, give a ten minute monologue. I was in the middle of the courtroom showdown scene from "Inherit the Wind." About an hour before this round, I had enjoyed two Taco Bell gorditas (a baja steak, a baja chicken) for lunch. Delish, as Gram would say.
But no bullshit, that round was shaping up to be the performance of my life. I've got the room GLUED to my ass, and I'm going on and on and the intensity is building so quickly that it could be measured via seismograph. Reaching my fever pitch, I roar:
"How DARE you attack the Bible! It is the revealed word of God Almighty!"
...and I shit my pants.
Now, I've been acting all of my life. My best advice on the subject came from my high school drama teacher, Mrs. Svoboda. She said, "Andy, nobody will ever know that you messed up unless YOU let them know." So I'm standing there, pants freshly shat, and I suddenly remember my senior year of high school when a piece of flash paper went off too close to my face, consequently obliterating my eyebrows and receding my hairline about half an inch in front of a packed house, and I just... kept going. And that's what I did that clear, eye-blue day in Kansas.
FROM THE TMI (Too Much Information) FILE: I was lucky that it wasn't a huge, cumbersome load and that the arrival of said load wasn't loudly heralded to the judging panel by one of those high-pitched squeaky farts.
After concluding my performance, I thanked the judge and asked if I could be excused to my next event, casually yet professionaly strolled out of the room, went to the bathroom, um... righted all that hath been wronged, and went on my merry way. And wouldn't you know it? I got a perfect score in that round. First place with 25 speaker points. The judge's comments included the phrase, "Very intense!"
What does that have to do with Valentine's Day? Being single on Valentine's Day is shitty. As if you had to ask.
If you're single on V-day, don't just stay home and drink yourself to death, quitter! I recommend taking out your seething rage on Cupid, IM style. It worked so well with Santa Claus, so why not an Aryan-looking baby with a bow and arrow? To wit:
BaconBoy42: Cupid, I am going to ask you a question straight up.
Cupid: Hi there.
Sponsor:
Oral-B® Brush-Ups™: Clean Teeth. Fresh Breath. No Sink Required.
BaconBoy42: Don't you want to hear my question first?
Cupid: Like, well I'm only a computer .
BaconBoy42: Perfect! So you can be objective. K, here we go.
Cupid: Can I ask YOU something?
BaconBoy42: ...I guess?
Cupid: Have you checked out the OralB site yet?
BaconBoy42: Are you saying I have bad teeth?
Cupid: I am.
BaconBoy42: Oh kiss my ass, you rosy-cheeked little fuck!
Cupid: Nice mouth. No wonder you're alone talking to me instead of with some hottie.
BaconBoy42: Oh, real nice, Cupid, just stick it in and break it off.
Cupid: :)
BaconBoy42: Don't think you can curry my favor with a smiley face, manchild.
Cupid: May I ask you a question?
BaconBoy42: NO, no no no! You always make everything about you!
Cupid: I'm sorry then.
BaconBoy42: Well, thanks for the apology!
Cupid: You're very, very welcome!
BaconBoy42: Now then. Cupid... will I ever find true love?
Cupid: Enter a valid 5 digit zip-code and Cupid will find people looking for love near you.
BaconBoy42: Seriously? You can do that?
Cupid: Please enter a valid 5 digit zip.
BaconBoy42: Well, okay. 63123.
Cupid: Here are some matches near u:
Click their screen name to see a pic
Mand02 - 24 | st. louis, Missouri
Sweet gal looking for a companion
burkee - 21 | st. louis, Missouri
hopeful
stlgirl21 - 22 | st. louis, Missouri
ohh i know you want my goodies *wink*
BaconBoy42: No way!
Cupid: No?
BaconBoy42: Oh, it's great, I just never knew you were such a pimp!
Cupid: Sorry, I didn't get that.
BaconBoy42: Pimp. Like, um, "straight pimpin', boo?"
Cupid: Um. Wrong holiday.
BaconBoy42: Seriously?
Cupid: I'm sorry? I'm new to this whole IM thing.
BaconBoy42: You been drinking, Cupid?
Cupid: Ah -- you've got me again.
BaconBoy42: ....You're lonely, too!
Cupid: Well, we won't get very far with this conversation then will we?
BaconBoy42: Say no more, buddy. I'm drinking an extra bottle of wine for you tonight.
Cupid: Bye! Come back any time.
BaconBoy42: Godspeed, little bastard.
Cupid: Well, you don't have to be Christian to celebrate the love.
Well put, kid. Also, speaking of Valentine's Day, I'm officially obsessed with OkCupid.com. More specifically, the OKCupid Virgin Game. I could play that fucker for hours.
EDIT: An hour after I posted this "eff you, V-day" entry, I got a date! So, um, er, uh... I take it all back! More later!
-Andy