2005-04-22
All right, I know I'm a little late jumping on the gajillion-things-about-myself trolley, but if you don't like it, then you can just go right ahead and eat a dick. I worked hard to make this list a bit more interesting than items like, "63. I am 5'11 and white. 64. One time I was looking for a hammer, and I found it next to my toolbox." So here ye be.P.S. Go see Surfacing this weekend. You will be rewarded handsomely at the moment of your judgment.
Now then. I was born in 1982.
1. I have smoked Ryan Adams’ cigarette.
2. Yesterday I drank a beer in the shower.
3. I will likely move to New York in September to work for MTV.
3. Like last year’s epiphany concerning Amelia Bedelia’s profound retardation, it recently dawned on me that Captain Planet’s “Planeteers” are ecoterrorists. Think about it.
4. I often embellish stories because an audience of one is just as important to me as one of a thousand.
5. In fourth grade, I had to air guitar in front of the entire school for a play. I was taunted about it until eighth grade. If I ever see Linda Huff, the director, on the street, I will not hesitate to push her in front of the nearest speeding bus.
6. I’m still working on that whole lefty-loosey, righty-tighty thing.
7. I believe that the ACLU is out to destroy the moral fabric of America.
8. I have the handwriting of a fifth-grader with a touch of the palsy.
9. My first kiss was a girl named Veronica Maynard. We were sitting on a big map of the United States. I was sitting on Illinois, she was on Indiana.
10. I have a bit of a drinking problem.
11. I would love to fake a marriage proposal in a restaurant to see if I could get free dinner.
12. My grandfather has Alzheimer’s and doesn’t remember mine or my brother’s names.
13. I fell in love with a girl named Addie via the Internet in 2002.
14. I have shot a shotgun, and was horrible at it.
15. I would rather drive cross-country than fly, but only if I were by myself or with one other person.
16. I became an Eagle Scout at the age of 14.
17. One time I ran over a baby rabbit with a lawnmower. "Traumatizing" is the appropriate word, I think.
18. My favorite position is doggystyle.
19. I am afraid that my mother is going to kill herself one of these days.
20. I have had five of my plays produced.
21. I wear blue for the sole purpose of making my eyes stand out.
22. When I was in fifth grade, I had a rat tail. AND a flat top.
23. I think I am better online than in person sometimes.
24. My favorite song of all time is “November Rain” by Guns ‘N Roses.
25. One time I high-fived the mayor of Peoria, IL.
26. My right armpit sweats a lot more than my left.
27. I started drinking coffee when I was 11 years old, and drank so much in one week that it dried out every inch of my skin.
28. I have seen director Bryan Singer’s pee.
29. I wore braces and a retainer, yet still have a gap in my teeth.
30. I love to eat a one pound cheeseburger, chase it with a martini, and go home and sleep until I wake up. One time it was at 5:30 AM, 14 hours later.
31. I have been in love three times.
32. The first time I ever babysat, I was, as they say, pretty fucking wasted. It was a great time.
33. My family’s favorite movies are Uncle Buck and A Christmas Story.
34. I was a weird kid, and want a daughter so I won’t have to raise another me.
35. I can flip my eyelids inside out.
36. I sometimes approach a situation thinking that everyone hates me.
37. I cannot make myself burp.
38. I lost my virginity three days before 9/11.
39. I loved honey on top of my Cinnamon Toast Crunch when I was a kid.
40. My mom once asked me if I was gay.
41. I can’t avoid checking myself out in a passing reflective surface, just to make sure everything’s tip-top.
42 is my lucky number.
43. I have a brother who is two years younger than me, but half a foot taller and 50 pounds of muscle heavier. He’s a bouncer.
44. I can eat 3 Double Stuf Oreos at a time.
45. The two best kisses of my life both involved the pouring rain.
46. I want to own a motorcycle.
47. My late grandfather was a racist, yet watched “Soul Train” every Sunday morning.
48. I want to make music videos or commercials for a living.
49. I have no memory of my parents showing affection to each other or having a civil conversation.
50. I love it when girls have to get up on their tiptoes to kiss me.
51. My first screenplay was called Homecoming, I wrote it when I was 14-15, and it is the biggest pile of shit ever collected on 100 pages.
52. I once told playwright Eric Bogosian that I really liked him as the supervillain in Under Seige 2: Dark territory.
53. I can be very anxious around girls that I am attracted to.
54. I want to own a Saint Bernard.
55. I have had sex with exactly seven women.
56. I have seen a photo of the governor of Illinois making a beeramid at the Republican National Convention.
57. The first live concert I ever attended was Weird Al Yankovic.
58. Despite being skinny, I’m not afraid to wear muscle shirts.
59. Author David Sedaris has recorded the voicemail greeting on my cell phone (309-264-9643!).
60. I sleep on two double beds pushed next to each other.
61. My old car had an ass print on the driver’s side door.
62. I finally achieved my political consciousness while I was living in CA. I arrived an independent; I ironically left a Republican.
63. “America’s Funniest Home Videos” will never get any less funny.
64. Just now, I had this exchange:
JAKE: Guess what we did last night.
ANDY: What?
JAKE: Bought something.
ANDY: What?
JAKE: A shovel.
ANDY: What for?
JAKE: Digging.
ANDY: Digging what?
JAKE: A hole.
ANDY: A hole for what?
JAKE: About 25 pounds of rotten grapefruit.
65. I have three friendships that have somehow managed to bridge all of the gaps since we were in first grade.
66. I once lost two dogs in one week – one died, one ran away.
67. At Boy Scout camp one summer, I wore my swimsuit for an entire week straight. Even to bed.
68. I caught two people having sex in a dressing room in Abercrombie & Fitch.
69. This weekend, I will step onto a stage for the first time in four years.
70. I watch Pulp Fiction once a year to remind myself why I was a film major. It’s about the only thing that sustains me.
71. I want to be a contestant on “Survivor.”
72. I had a Knight Rider bike with training wheels when I was learning to ride.
73. I found out that Princess Di had died after coming out of Event Horizon.
74. The only book I’ve ever read twice is “Blankets.” The readings were within a week of each other.
75. I love it when girls say “Awww” and I have no fucking idea why.
76. The best rock song ever written is Springsteen’s “Born to Run.”
77. I can cook an Indian beef and berry soup that will blow your damn head off.
78. I like to sing “Piano Man” when I’m drinking.
79. I was once almost killed by a homerun ball at a Peoria Chiefs game. I still have that ball.
80. I have stripped at a bachelorette party. I got the dog so excited that it peed all over the floor.
81. I have shown one of my documentaries to 700 people.
82. I am so full of shit I could gag a dog on a trash truck.
-Andy